Category Archives: Christian Life

Guilt is a Sin

5 Replies

Guilt, according to the American Heritage dictionary is

  1. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
  2. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

It’s a sin because it’s adding to the work of our Lord on the cross. If He took all the punishment for all our sins — and He did — then why would we feel we need to punish ourselves?

1 Jn 1:9 says, “If we confess, [name, cite] our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Jeremiah 3:13 says, “Only acknowledge your iniquity, that you have transgressed against the LORD your God…”

Acknowledging that you have sinned carries no merit. You’re just agreeing with God that what you’ve done/said/thought is a sin, and at that point He forgives you the sin and cleanses you from all unrighteousness. The cleansed vessel of the soul is then suitable to be filled or controlled by God the Holy Spirit and fellowship is restored.

Guilt — beating yourself up for what you’ve done — has no place in that. It’s human works, human effort to atone, to make sure you’ll never do it again… I struggle a lot with the guilt function so I’ve had ample opportunity to consider it in all its ramifications and it really is quite arrogant. After all the word of God says our hearts (the way we think and perceive the world and ourselves) are deceitful and desperately wicked, that from the tops of our heads to the bottom of our feet, there’s no soundness in us, that we are stubborn and willful and none of us in ourselves is good. Not even one. (Ro 3:10)

We were all born in sin, we still have the sin nature after salvation. We are going to sin. We are going to make mistakes. We’re stupid sheep, we are easily entangled in sin and deception… guilt assumes that we can do better. Guilt assumes that somehow our sin is an aberration, a shock, something we should very well be able to avoid. If only we’d work hard enough or hurt bad enough, then we won’t do it again. It’s the flesh’s mode of self-improvement, and like all else the flesh produces, God finds it disgusting.

Guilt is something that has motivated me almost all my life, something carried over from my first 21 years as an unbeliever.  I’ve talked about it on this blog before… that feeling that I must do X or something bad will happen. Usually the “something bad” is that “they” will think poorly of me. But who is they?

At first I had no idea, but gradually I realized it’s something in my own conscience. Not something based on the word of God, but on stuff I picked up as a child and internalized. It doesn’t matter if God says there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, if my conscience says I should do or be a certain way, then that’s all that matters. If I fail to toe the line, then my conscience will punish me.

Because, apparently, Jesus didn’t do enough. Because, apparently God really didn’t mean it when He said there is nothing good in us, and that the only way to actually live the Christian way of life is the same way as we received it… by grace, through faith.

You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified? This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing (the Gospel) with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?   ~ Galatians 3:1-3

Burnout

3 Replies

My pastor mentioned this word in a recent message as he reminded us that God doesn’t want us to be under pressure.  We already are all we’re striving to be — in Christ — so why are we striving? 

“You can get burnt out,” Pastor said. “You can put yourself under too much pressure.” God doesn’t want us under pressure, but to rest, relax and enjoy the blessings He’s bestowed on us.

“Therefore, let us fear lest, while a promise remains of entering His rest, any one of ou should seem to have come short of it.”

I’ve been getting this message from many different angles for some time now, and keep resisting it. I’ve also been receiving the admonition againt always thinking I’ve done something wrong when things don’t go as I’d like. That it’s my fault. 

So yesterday, as I went through my fractured life, the word burnout kept floating through my thoughts.  Because really it’s getting downright weird. I can’t seem to get myself to work on the book in any consistent way, much as I try, much as I determine that I will, or that I’ll back away and relax, only to flail myself for not trying hard enough… It’s not that I hate the book. It’s not that the writing seems hard — well, it does, but that doesn’t matter; if it’s hard  it’s because in large part I’ve not sat down for a long enough period of time to really get going on it. I keep telling myself that it’s not like I don’t have time. It’s not like the eye drop runs and doctor appointments and other stuff take up all my time. They don’t. I just can’t seem to use the snippets and half hours and even hours when they come.

And it’s not like I don’t know how to work. I’ve written six books, after all. Long ones, and worked very hard. Many long hours. Compelled. Driven. Thinking always of the book, and working on it. Burning to work on it…

But now that’s not happening like before. And it’s not just the book, and the story. I’m not answering reader mail, not because I don’t appreciate it, but because I just can’t seem to muster the words or impetus to do it. And then condemn myself for not being appreciative enough.

Today, for the first time, really, I wondered if I really can’t help it. Yes, I believe I’ve said something like this before, or at least talked of the need not to try to be more disciplined… concepts from all those books about relaxing and such. But in the back of my mind there always lurked  the conviction that it really was my fault, and that if I’d just be more disciplined and focused, just “take my calling seriously,” things would straighten out.

So today, instead of working (in between eye drop runs and taking my hubby to the dentist and picking him up later) I Googled “Writing Burnout.” I found some very interesting articles and thoughts, of which I’ll share some excerpts. 

First is a blog post by Romance writer Barbara Bretton. I’ve not heard of her until today, but what she said about burnout resonated:

“Before I burned out in February 1992, I’d labored under many assumptions about the reality of work and writing and self-discipline. I believed that showing up was half the battle, that inspiration and artistic temperament were both highly overrated, that I could conquer outside forces by the sheer force of my will–and I believed burnout could never happen to me.

I was wrong.”

Sound familiar? Well it does to me. It sounds like me. Her whole post was very interesting. You can read it here.

Next is a succinct description of how and why burnout occurs from MindTools:

“Burnout occurs when passionate, committed people become deeply disillusioned with a job or career from which they have previously derived much of their identity and meaning. It comes as the things that inspire passion and enthusiasm are stripped away, and tedious or unpleasant things crowd in. This tool can help you check yourself for burnout.”

They had a little test you could take to determine if you are close to burn out. I took it and while some of my answers were “Not at All” enough were in the “frequently” column to indicate I was “seriously burnt out.” This is a little grimmer than I feel. I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as “deeply disillusioned,” though it is true that many of the things that formerly inspired passion and enthusiasm have been stripped away. Still, I consider that stripping a good thing. Too often those things were the arrogant, lustful desires of my flesh for approbation, success, recognition and self-glorification. Furthermore, having attained some of those goals that had so motivated me and found them lacking in the satisfaction and pleasure I had imagined they would give me,  just as the Bible says they would not, has also been a good thing in redirecting my focus. Both the stripping and the proving of the emptiness of worldly goals brought me closer to God.

I am not depressed. I am enjoying many things in my life — making scones, walking and playing with Quigley, Bible class, writing in my journal, reading books, making cards and paper crafting, the latter, incidentially, having become the center of my enthusiasm for creative endeavors.  I’m just not writing the novel.

Secular Fantasy writer Kate Elliott had this to say in her post on Burnout  for Deep Genre:

“Burnout is well described by – well – the word itself.

“I have been toasted by the weight of real world responsibilities which I was juggling at the same time as writing.

“I have become simply too mentally or emotionally exhausted to write for periods of time, and sometimes during those periods I had to write anyway.  That was fun!

<snip>

“A long while ago on livejournal, Kristine Smith mentioned periods of transition and change as ones that leave you susceptible to burnout.

“These are the big three for me:

1) real life responsibilities eating up your creative energy

2) changes of direction, including things like life reassessment, major family shifts, moving, relationship difficulties

3) battered confidence, as in “why would anyone want to read this crap anyway?” and all its variations ringing down the changes of doubt and trust.”

I’m actually not having problems in the confidence area, having finally  come to the point of accepting that I have a gift that is sufficient to whatever God intends for it, and surprisingly comfortable with people not caring about it, not liking it, etc. Lots of people didn’t care about Jesus’s words either, and they were perfect.

No I was struck more in reading Kate’s three big ones by the fact that  real world responsibilities are definitely big in my life right now, and her comment that they can indeed eat up your creative energy does reflect what I’m experiencing.

But what about “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”?  If I’m operating in the power of the Spirit, shouldn’t that take up the slack for the energy drain worked by real world responsibilities?

Maybe. But what if right now it’s really not God’s will for me to BE working? Then surely the Spirit will not empower me to do what the Father’s plan does not call for…

Finally we come to the question of  “How to Recover.”  An article on Errant Dreams suggested that one who is “burned out” should…

“Take a Vacation

“There’s one thing that, above all, you should try to do for yourself when you start to burn out. If you can at all afford to, take a vacation. If you’re still finishing off a contract then take a vacation as soon as it’s over. Be lazy. Sit around the house and read thrillers, mysteries, or something equally pointless and fun. Watch movies. Take lots of walks in the sunshine. Relax…”

Kate Elliott also advised this, particularly for times when “the well runs dry”

” – this is a classic line I think every writer I have ever met understands, even if he or she hasn’t experienced it for herimself. You, the writer, have just sucked it all up after a run of umpteen stories or books or scripts, and the well (of inspiration and/or creative energy) needs time to re-fill either via the internal and inexplicable spring of creativity, which flows at its own rate… [Emphasis mine]

“… or through external heavy-lifting bucket-hauling such as travel, reading, conversation, lounging on the beach and staring at the sky, long walks, long baths, listening to music, theater and shows, and innumerable other ways of absorbing strength from other sources of creative energy.

“Sometimes there is no way out but through.

“Sometimes you simply have to give yourself permission to be patient and forgiving and, you know, realistic.”

Give yourself permission… these descriptions of vacationing are incredibly alluring. And it seems that I’ve been receiving this message for the last few months over and over and over, in messages from the pulpit, private reflection and various books I’ve been reading… Nah… It can’t be that. Can it?

Tonight in the next lesson of the Job series I am listening to, a message delivered in the mid-nineties, Pastor was talking of the man in Lamentations 3:27, 28, one of the many Jews enslaved by the Babylonians.

“Why were the Children of God in slavery?”  Pastor asked. Because they’d just experienced 490 years of prosperity during which God had instructed them  to take every seventh year off from work “to let the land rest.” The Sabbatical year.

During that time they were to cease working and enjoy the blessings and prosperity the Lord had provided and also to realize that even when they were not “working and hustling” God still provides. “We tend to think we earned it. But then God puts us in a position where we can’t earn anything and yet we still receive something.”

 They were to give themselves and the land rest. But they ignored that command and kept on working and hustling and trying to accumulate wealth.  So Nebuchadnezzar came and took them away. And the land rested… for exactly the 70 years they had not given over to the Sabbatical.

I don’t think this is “coincidence.” Especially since I am currently working on my seventh book.  And after all I’ve read today about burnout, and how some of the symptoms I’m experiencing are similar, I think that it might not be something that is strictly my fault. That the Lord just may be shutting me down for a time.

I’ll have to sleep on that and try it out. See what tomorrow brings…

Energy Conservation

Leave a reply

Yesterday I wrote to a friend regarding a crisis she was going through. For days — weeks, actually — I’ve been virtually wordless when it comes to responding to emails, writing blogs, and especially writing Sky. I have managed to put a few words into my journal, but nothing for others’ consumption. It’s been too jumbled. For awhile I could do little more than try to list what I’d done in a day and wonder why I felt that would somehow validate me. In fact, two weeks ago this same friend had written at length regarding the crisis, not just to me personally, but to a circle of friends. I read of her trials, which are great, and felt for her, and prayed for her, but I had absolutely no words of response. I sat there, staring at the screen, and nothing happened.

It wasn’t my time to answer.

I spent last week following the advice in the  books on introverts I’d recently acquired (finished one, almost finished with the other) about conserving personal energy — staying out of contact, resting, reading, napping, puttering, talking to the Lord. Resources are something He provides, even energy, and what I learned from reading was that sometimes He doesn’t allow you the time and solitude to recharge. Or maybe He does, but I just didn’t see it.

One thing for sure, I didn’t realize how important it was. We’re all given a certain amount of resources… time and energy being among them. I already knew that as a writer I need to guard my time, though that’s not always as easy as the Advisors of the World make it sound. Sometimes I can’t just give one thing primary importance in my life (well except for my relationship with God and the daily intake of doctrine), because I have many things that are important. They all “need” to be done as far as I can tell. And when I’m doing one of them, I find the energy to do the rest is being drained away. So if I decide to do the housework first and write second, too often the housework gets done, but not the writing. If I reverse the order, then the writing gets done but not the housework. I’ve done it both ways.

This whole issue of energy is what I hadn’t really considered. Or rather, while I’d noticed it, and gotten frustrated over my inability to manage it, I hadn’t really thought about managing it. I hadn’t thought — didn’t know — that there were ways to gain more energy apart from just going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning. The funny thing is, many of those ways were things I ended up doing anyway, then castigating myself because I was so “distractible” or so “lacking in self-discipline.”

But even as I’m writing this, I see that I’m making it more clear-cut, more “me in control” than it actually is. I’ve been told all my life that a routine is important, that self-discipline is important. I’ve been told a lot of things. I don’t disagree that establishing a routine is a very useful practice. But sometimes God doesn’t allow that. I’m coming to think that sometimes God brings us to a place where He wants all our attention. This morning I was reflecting on the fact that, so far as we can tell, Jesus didn’t really have a routine. Moreover, when people came to Him with a problem or a crisis (Jairus comes to mind) instead of dropping everything and rushing to the dying girl, the verb indicates he meandered. He stopped to heal a woman.  He took His time. Or perhaps I should say, He followed the Holy Spirit’s timing.

Pastor Bob has taught in recent years that he no longer believes that all of the “miracles” that Jesus performed were based on His deity… for example, the fish with the coin in its mouth that He sent Peter to get to pay the tax. I guess I’d always thought that He made the coin right then and put it in the fish’s mouth for Peter to find. Pastor suggested that He was simply so in tune with the Spirit’s leading, that He knew a fish that had picked up a coin in the sea would “happen” to be there at the same time as Peter was. I like that. It makes sense and it fits more with God’s ways as I know them than just to create a coin and stick it in the fish’s mouth out of the blue. If He was going to do that, why didn’t He simply draw the coin of out thin air? And how many times does God lead us into the exact right place at the exact right time?

We’re to be imitators of Christ and being in tune with the leading of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis is one of the ways we do that.

Which, it seems, is how I wrote this post. I had intended to write about some of what I finally had words to express to my friend yesterday and somehow… never quite got to that. So I’ll have to save that for tomorrow.

Does God Speak to Us Personally?

Leave a reply

In one of the comments on my recent post Is Self Discipline Overrated?, the author objected to my contention that as believers in the church age we can “hear” God’s voice in our heads. His position was that God does not speak to us personally and directly, but communicates solely through our recall of His word as we have learned it from our pastor.

This may be a matter of semantics in describing the same function, because I do think that the Holy Spirit uses the doctrine we have learned to guide us. But I also think that He can communicate with us specifically about matters unique to our day-to-day lives. This is not to say you can ignore the word of God and fly off based on voices in your head, (I’m not even sure I’d call it a voice; more like a timely thought.) but when you have been consistent with Bible class and are faced with a situation where there are two opposing doctrines that can be applied, you have to go to Him for guidance. Which one do I apply? And He brings the appropriate, already learned doctrines and scriptures to mind.

With me, after that has occurred, God often sends someone into my life who unknowingly repeats what God’s just told me. Or he’ll use my timely discovery of some old notes tucked amidst manuscript pages, or a Thieme book falling off the shelf while I’m searching for something else which just “happens” to open to the page I need, where I’d previously highlighted the appropriate passage. Then, to make sure I get the message, that night in Bible class He’ll often have the pastor repeat it.

Other times we may be faced with making a decision about details of life that we don’t have enough information to make. For example awhile back when Quigley was a wild and crazy puppy who couldn’t be left alone for long, I had to go to the DMV to renew my driver’s license. It’s illegal to leave your dog in the car in Arizona, so I’d have to leave him at home. We had him crate trained, but he wasn’t old enough to be left longer than an hour. I’d already stopped by the DMV the afternoon before where I’d learned that the average wait time was three hours and so had come home before I could do anything. I was advised to come in the morning when it might be a little faster, so that night and the next morning I tried to sort through all the options, wondering when the best time to go would be.

It was not good to try to leave Quigley during his active times in those days. What if he took too long to settle down and I missed my window at the DMV? And should I leave him in the crate or the back yard where he might bay as if he’s dying for the entire time I would be gone, dig his way out or chew through the fence? All my attempts to see into the future so as to make a decision met with failure and only produced increasing anxiety. Finally I gave it up, rebounded the anxiety and handed it over to God. “I have no idea when would be the best time to go for the shortest wait,” I told Him, “or whether I should leave Quigley in the yard or in the crate. You told us to cast all our burdens on You, so that’s what I’m doing. You’re just going to have to handle it.”

With that, I let it go. About half an hour later I got the very strong “instruction” (conviction?) to leave Quigley in the yard and “Go now.” So I did. I arrived at the DMV to find no line whatsoever  and was back home within about forty-five minutes. Quigley did not bay or dig or chew his way out of the yard, and all was well. It was a turning point for me in seeing how God could handle things.

In tonight’s class Pastor Bob just “happened” to start a new subject on the indwelling of God the Father, and why He would indwell us. The first reason he gave is that God “wants us to be totally confident and convinced that He’s the creator of our portfolio of invisible assets.” These assets include all that we will ever need to live the Christian life and fulfill His plan for us; they include phenomenal escrow blessings and a specific, unique plan for each one of us — our personal sense of destiny. Part of that plan is that we get to know, personally and intimately, the One who dwells inside us.

When the Bible talks about God abiding in us and dwelling in us, the word refers to being at rest in, making oneself at home in. It’s an intimate relaxed relationship and I believe such relationships require communication. Prayer is communication. We talk to God through prayer, and sometimes He answers, personally. It can be by means of a thought, or a doctrine or some external “coincidence.”

Obviously there is great room for people to think that God has told them something when He hasn’t, especially if they have a zeal for Him but not a lot of knowledge. If what they say He’s told them doesn’t line up with His word, then it’s probably not from Him. Even if it does line up with the word, it still might not be.

But that’s between them and God. My concern is what He says to me, and whether I can believe that it’s really God and not some wishful thinking of my own manufacture. It takes time to gain confidence in this. It’s certainly taken me a long time to trust that this might actually be taking place. Even now, if I think He’s told me to do something but am not absolutely sure it’s from Him, I ask Him to make it clear or shut me down if it’s not what He wants me to do.

And mostly, He hasn’t shut me down. But even if I do blow it in this regard, it’s not going to ruin His day. And usually not even mine. We’re not here to be perfect. Which is a good thing since we aren’t going to be till we reach heaven. I’m thinking more and more that far too much is made of our performance. Did we make the wrong choice? The right one? How much does it really matter?

It’s Christ’s work that matters, that’s won the victory, not ours. We’re perfectly righteous already and can’t be made one bit more so, so why the angst about whether we might do something wrong? If we do, God makes it clear, we rebound, we adjust our thinking and move on. It’s “He must increase, I must decrease.” It’s all about His plan to bring glory to Himself through us, and one of the most brilliant and amazing ways He does that is through His grace toward us. If we were always good, and successful and perfect, where would be the room for grace? It’s a given that we’re going to seek to obey His commands and do what He wishes because we love Him. But we can bring glory to Him even in failure, if we just use the system He’s provided, pick ourselves up, rebound, face forward and move on.

Be More Productive

Leave a reply

Last Saturday, I pretty much had my day to myself. I went to the store, did some housework and spent an inexplicably long time making a card; also working on my stamp collection. Finally around 3pm I forced myself to go into the office where I checked my news blogs and email… and wrote in my writing journal: “I don’t know why I can’t seem to concentrate, but I can’t. Arg! My brain feels like oatmeal. I want to go iron or bake a cake, not write… what is wrong with me????”

So I tried again, and instead found myself Googling “why not more productive.” That brought up a slew of articles on being productive, all with the same tired advice I’d read a thousand times before. (Many of which also included solicitations of the “buy our inspirational DVDs and become more productive in just two weeks” nature) But then, just as I was ready to give it up I stumbled onto the blog of Aaron Swartz  and his post  HOWTO: Be More productive.

It starts out,

“With all the time you spend watching TV,” he tells me, “you could have written a novel by now.” It’s hard to disagree with the sentiment — writing a novel is undoubtedly a better use of time than watching TV — but what about the hidden assumption? Such comments imply that time is “fungible” — that time spent watching TV can just as easily be spent writing a novel. And sadly, that’s just not the case.

Well THAT got my attention! (And I love the word “fungible.”) As soon as I read it I knew the truth in it. Time at the start of the day is much more useful than time in the afternoon when one’s system is taking that “post-prandial” dip. (I like “post-prandial,” too) 

To be more productive, Swartz concludes, one must recognize the fact that the quality of any given period of time is not the same and learn to work with that reality in an efficient wa. For example, “it’s easy to start working on something because it’s convenient,” he says, “but you should always be questioning yourself about it.” Does this really need to be done now? Is there something more important you could be doing? Since I often do question myself about that, this was only marginally helpful — especially since even if I agree that there is something more “important” I just keep doing whatever distraction I happen to be pursuing. Still, it’s nice to have the concept reinforced.

He also suggested pursuing several different projects at the same time , thus having things to do in accordance with the different qualities of time throughout the day. I liked that because I think maybe… just maybe… some of the things I do in apparent distraction could actually be preparatory for writing. Card-making is not something I have to force myself to do, like ironing, so it’s fun, relaxing, my brain is occupied with non-word related tasks and it might just be a good activity for the subconscious to be wrestling with the writing task I seem to be ignoring. (Which lines up with other things I’ve read about writing)

Other suggestions he gave were to make a list of things to work on, integrate the list with your life, make your time higher quality, and ease physical and mental constraints, all of which were familiar but good to be reminded of. And then we got to “Procrastination and the mental force field.”

The real productivity problem people have is procrastination. It’s something of a dirty little secret, but everyone procrastinates — severely. It’s not just you.”

Really? It’s not? 

He goes on to define procrastination:

To the outside observer, it looks like you’re just doing something “fun” (like playing a game or reading the news) instead of doing your actual work. (This usually causes the outside observer to think you’re lazy and bad.) But the real question is: what’s going on inside your head?

I’ve spent a bunch of time trying to explore this and the best way I can describe it is that your brain puts up a sort of mental force field around a task. Ever play with two magnets? If you orient the magnets properly and try to push them toward each other, they’ll repel fiercely. As you move them around, you can sort of feel out the edges of the magnetic field. And as you try to bring the magnets together, the field will push you back or off in another direction.

That’s exactly how it is! Exactly what it feels like. And the more you try to go toward it, the more it pushes you away. I will go into the office to work, not be able to find the pen I want, go off to the desk in the bedroom and suddenly be doing something that has nothing to do with writing.  And just as with the magnets, which will NOT sit together no matter how hard you push, you can’t push through the mental force field on sheer willpower.

And what causes the force field?  Swartz cites two major factors: whether the task is hard and whether it’s assigned. By hard, he means it can be a problem that’s too big. Or too complicated. Or both. Yeah.

He offers suggestions there, too, but I already do almost all of them. The cool thing for me was having it all validated. All my notions about being productive he labels as myths: “that time is fungible, that focusing is good, that bribing yourself is effective, that hard work is unpleasant, that procrastinating is unnatural… that real work is something that goes against your natural inclinations.” No, not at all.

If you’re trying to do something creative that’s of worth, says Swartz, the real secret is not to shut down your brain and just DO IT, but the opposite: “to listen to your body. To eat when you’re hungry, to sleep when you’re tired, to take a break when you’re bored, to work on projects that seem fun and interesting.”

And not to condemn yourself for doing any of it.

Which sounds a lot like the freedom we are to enjoy in Christ that I’ve been blogging about previously.

If you want to read the full article, it’s here.

Avoiding Manholes and Other Musings

Leave a reply

This morning as I lay in bed, reflecting and praying, thinking of all the thoughts I should be avoiding, an amusing analogy came to me. Some of you may recall the story of the girl who was walking down the street texting when she fell into an open manhole. Well, as I considered my situation today, it seemed that I was walking down the street of life and needed to be alert and observant so as not to fall into any of the open manholes that unquestionably lay before me, holes of thought that would drop me suddenly into the sewer of my flesh, unpleasant, painful, and often difficult to find my way out of. I have to grope along in the dark for a while, it seems, until I find a not very obvious ladder to freedom.

I think it’s a matter of volition on some level. I can know the doctrine I need to confront the thoughts, recall it and even believe it so much as I’m able…and yet not seem to be able to turn off the negative thinking. Sometimes I think I only want to believe the doctrines, but am not yet totally convinced they are true. Oh, I’m convinced the Bible teaches them, but when I’m down there in the dark and the stink, they don’t seem so real and compelling as they do when I’m topside. [hmm. Could that be because when I’m in the sewer I’m not filled with the Spirit and the flesh is NEVER going to believe the truths of the word of God? Have to think on that… ]

Anyway, I do have to say that applying the concepts of being dead to the sin nature has helped a lot. So has recognizing a lot of the sins that start driving me. It’s only been recently that I’ve become aware of the subtle  self-righteousness that lurks in being “right”. For the sake of argument here, assume I am right in a situation and the other person is wrong. Part of why some things/thoughts are so hard to let go is because “I’m right!” Thus I feel justified in the thoughts that I’m having. When really, I’m not. I’ve fallen into self-righteousness. It’s not up to me to make an issue of who’s right or wrong, only to make sure I remain in fellowship with my Lord.

More and more I’m seeing that for us as Christians it’s hands off. Hands off the details of life and hands off other peoples’ lives. Prior to the trip to San Diego, there were many, many uncertainties as to logistics, timing, how we were going to do some of the things we were being called upon to do. Just thinking of it would make my brain cramp, so I just put it all in God’s hands. He’d handle all the details, as He assured me through many different avenues last week. Of course on the trip everything continued to shift and change and I never really knew what was going to happen until it did. Trust Him to handle the details doesn’t mean handle them so that things work out the way I think they should. Trust Him to handle the details means He’ll handle them so that things work out as He’s decreed (which means all works out “perfectly”) and I’m not to obsess and fret about them. It’s a lesson I have to continually repeat.

But there are other ways we’re to be hands off as well, and that’s with regard to others’ lives. As I’ve grown more and more aware of this concept and the breadth of it, I’ve found in myself a certain resistance. It is so against the ways of the world. And the ways of man, I think… Many of us seem to be natural busybodies, looking at what others are doing and pronouncing a form of judgment on them. Our news does this, the entertainment industry, the sports world, politics… it’s everywhere. Being right seems very important, and making sure that we point out others’ wrongs is almost a duty. There are whole websites devoted to pointing out the errors of various pastors and teachings. We can tolerate maybe toning some of that down, not gossiping about others, trying not to be too critical or critical at all… but still, the idea of completely ignoring someone’s wrongdoing?  That can’t be right, can it? Shouldn’t we go and help them? Point out their error?

Mostly I think not. Yeah, there’s the verse about the brother caught in a trespass and all that, but there are also the verses about “Who are you to judge another man’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls and stand he will for God is able to make him stand.” And, “But you there, why do you judge your brother? And you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God…so then each one of us shall give an account of himself to God.”

As believers we’re all royal priests, we all represent ourselves before God and need no one  to stand between us. Not only that, even God Himself doesn’t judge us, having passed all judgment to His son. And the Son didn’t come to judge the world but to save it and will leave the judging to His Word. So it’s really the Word that does the judging. And even if there weren’t all those verses telling us to beware stepping into the role of judging another person’s life, it’s still pretty arrogant to think we really know what’s going on with a person or in a person’s life, seeing as how we don’t have all the facts.  But it’s so easy to think we do. From just a few facts, we construct a narrative and voila: an explanation. Usually not a very complementary one to the victim.

I wrote about it, even constructed a scenario using this propensity in Return of the Guardian King. And still I want to think I really know. When more and more I think we all know very, very little about anything. Including ourselves…

Quizzical Quigley

Leave a reply

 

Life has been full of late. Lots of challenges, lots of opportunities to make applications of doctrinal truth, and of the fabulous doctrines we’ve been learning about our position in Christ. Dead to the sin nature, alive in Christ, we must continuously consider those facts. Every day, throughout the day: I’m in union with Christ and therefore I forbid the sin nature to reign, it has no power any more. It’s dead. So I have no business submitting to it, and instead must submit or yield to the Father’s will…

But, as has been obvious, I’ve had no time and no energy left over to write any blog posts.  In addition to taking care of my mother (she had to have another MRI last week) we’ve been getting ready for our son’s wedding coming up this week. Thus, I don’t expect to do any posts until next weekend.  But fear not. I’ll be back next week.

In the meantime, here is a picture of Quigley up on Mt. Lemmon, which is about an hours’ drive up from Tucson. This was early in the season, back in December. My hubby takes him up on weekends if the weather’s good and he doesn’t have other things scheduled. The last time they went the snow was so deep, Stu sank past his knees, and Quig had to bound from track  to track behind him. They both got a pretty good workout, but I think Quigley prefers it when there isn’t quite so much snow. It was the first time he was actually ready to get back into the car to go home.

What Happened Today

Leave a reply

There are no coincidences in the Christian life.

In yesterday’s post I wrote about my conclusion that the time had come to start working in earnest on the book again. That God seemed to be saying to me it was time. It won’t be like it was before, but He will do what needs doing and I merely need to show up for work, engage with the material and keep my unrealistic expectations in check. “Time to move on,” I said.

This morning I turned on my computer to find an email from my agent, forwarding an email from the head of fiction at Bethany House asking what was going on with me. He wants a brief summary of my next story idea and some sense of when I think I can turn the ms in. I haven’t heard from him since September, I think.

How’s that for confirmation?

Then, if that weren’t enough, tonight’s live class from GBC in Somerset, MA was done by Evangelist Scott Grande on the Believer’s Personal Sense of Destiny. Since writing is a big part of my own personal sense of destiny, and since no one has really been talking about personal sense of destiny for months, this could hardly be coincidence either. In fact, Scott even mentioned the way God uses the word and lessons and friends and so forth to communicate with us. Just to make sure I got the message (God knows how dense I can be)

And that’s not all:

“If an earthly father can plan an prepare and save for his child’s future, how much more can your Heavenly Father prepare things for you ahead of time? Things happen for a reason…”

“Life should not be boring. You cannot predict it. You cannot twist it and turn it the way you want all the time. God says, “Trust me. Let me take you down this path. Let me show you where to turn and when. Stop relying on your own wisdom…”

And when you do, Scott added, often things won’t go as you’d like for some time. That’s because God is training you, preparing you for something better. That sure seems a lot like what happened during the writing of The Enclave, so this was a wonderful assurance that it really was God then, and will be this time as well.

“God knows the right time to reveal things to you, give you things. He will reveal something you did not plan, that you thought you couldn’t do and He’ll give you the power to do it…

“Do you realize you have a personal sense of destiny direct from God Himself and apply that every day in your life? In other words, Do you really believe it? Because most of us don’t really believe these things, even though there’s scripture to back it up. We hold out a little bit of doubt. Maybe because we’re not ready to accept it.

“But this is something you should be ready to accept and be excited that God has you in the palm of His hand as He leads you on a different mission than you thought you’d go into.”

As I type all this, I’m blown away all over again. The way it is so precisely directed to my situation… of course I know it’s directed to others, but this was done just way too … intimately for me, I guess.  Then out of the blue he said,

“Our personal sense of destiny is related to our politeuma privileges as royal family (the privileges of our heavenly citizenship – Phil 3:20)”

“Politeuma privileges” is the core metaphor I’m building on for The Other Side of the Sky. I haven’t heard anyone mention those for a long time, either… But it sure zinged me tonight.

A little later he spoke of the stages of spiritual growth, spiritual self-esteem where you have confidence in God in you, in God for you (rather than confidence in self), then spiritual autonomy, where you are totally independent of people and circumstances  and totally dependent on God for happiness, answers, security. It doesn’t come all at once.

“And again, this is all incremental. You’ve got to be patient. God’s not in a rush with you, that’s why He gives us 80 years… It’s on a slow increase. You’re going up that mountain, one step at a time. And God’s okay with that. He doesn’t want you to run. He wants you to learn the word and take it bite by bite and apply it to your life.

“He will give you the word right before you need it. He will show you the way before you need it.”

And finally,

“Eventually … your personal sense of destiny will become so great it outweighs any problem, disaster, heartache or tragedy that comes your way. These things don’t bother me because I have a destiny. This is just another step in that destiny.

“Now your problems may be personal, but soon they’ll be historical. Everything in life is temporary. We’ve gotta move on…”

Amazing.

If you want to hear this lesson it’s here: “Personal Sense of Destiny!”  (Look in the upper right corner for links to video class, just audio with slides or to download either one.)

Wordless

2 Replies

I have been largely wordless this past week. I think it’s because I’ve been grappling with these new things God is teaching me — in Bible class, in old notes suddenly discovered, in the remarks of friends and even through my own reflections, like the post about the fruit ripening.

Our lessons continue to be about living in the peace and rest of God. The peace and rest of knowing that we have been reconciled to the living God, to the creator and controller of the universe… Let me rephrase that: knowing that I have been reconciled to the living God. That there really is no more condemnation. That it really is about resting in Him. Letting Him do it. 

Letting Him write the book, arrange the time to write it, move me to write it when I do. Letting Him produce the self-control in me, rather than me striving to do that.

Back at the AZ conference I spoke to Pastor Joe briefly about that. How I get these glimpses of the peace that I could have and I back away. I see it, and then think, No, that can’t possibly be right. He referenced that conversation shortly afterward in his teaching, but his take was not that it couldn’t be right, but that it was scary. I thought at the time that it wasn’t scary, just didn’t seem possible.

That conversation has been brought to my attention numerous times since. Pastor Joe has mentioned it himself, but I’ve also thought about it. And finally today in class, when I heard it yet again, something clicked. It is scary. Because it’s so not like what the world says, what man says, what I am comfortable with. The old ways.

We’re studying about the new things that have come and the old things that have passed away (2 Co 5:17). And it’s a big subject with lots of complexities, the latter, I think, mainly produced by my own faulty thinking, which has come from the world. But if man’s thoughts are not God’s thoughts, and his ways aren’t God’s and if, as Pastor Bob says, everything is opposite in God’s way… then it makes a kind of sense that the way to acquire self-control is to stop trying to acquire it. Stop trying to control myself (if only I were more disciplined!  If only I could effectively use the time I’ve been given…)  (And even those if onlies have been refuted in the past month. They are unrealistic expectations, the result of the flesh thinking it can fix itself with some self improvement effort. When it’s impossible to improve a dead man…

But I digress. The only way to acquire self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit and not of me, is to stop trying to acquire it. Stop trying to love people, stop trying to live for others… and live for Him. Make it your goal to acquire not self-control, or love or selflessness, but to acquire His mind. When you acquire His mind, you think like Him, you want what He wants and the other stuff just follows.

And the first thing that comes out of thinking as He thinks is the awareness that I am reconciled to Him forever. There is not one thing I can ever do wrong that will un-reconcile me. It’s done. He sees me as He has made me: perfectly righteous, because I have His own righteousness. And the work of righteousness shall be peace. And the effect of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever. (Is 32:17)

But only if you consider it. Only if you turn your mind in this direction. The only thing we are to fear is failing to enter His rest. (Heb 4:1) He wants us to be at rest.

And the only way we fail is by not believing. Not believing that the work is finished and there is literally NOTHING we can add. Not believing His promises that if we seek Him first, HE will add all things to us. Not believing His word that He will provide all we need, that He will always be there, never leave or forsake us…

Can it really be that easy? Yes, I believe it can be. And I now think that yes, part of my aversion to simply letting go of it all was indeed fear. Fear that I’d just sit about like a wastrel and do nothing. It’s interesting to contemplate that thought now, because I see the flesh protesting in it. I see that from the flesh’s viewpoint, there is no power but its own. If it does nothing, then nothing will happen. But that is wrong. When the flesh does nothing, the Spirit of God is freed to work. He waits until we step back and let Him.

The problem is, we really have to step back and then we have to wait. We have to rest in utter confidence. We have to be convinced — absolutely convinced that what the Bible says is true — and then we rest. I can still plan my day, or make a list of some things that can be done… but not with the attitude that I’m going to do it. That I’m going to take responsibility for seeing it all done. That’s not what my life’s about.

My life is about following my Lord. Staying in fellowship with Him. Being alert to His leading. Not trying to take control and get my human power in there, with my plans and attempts to control things. My ideas of who I should be and what I should be doing, crappy ideas that I have picked up over the years that do nothing but provoke me to self-condemnation. They need to be rejected.  Ideas like If you don’t write every day, you’re not a writer. If you don’t have a special time to do your work, you’re not a professional. These people are depending on you. You have an obligation.

Oh really? I have an obligation to people? I think not. My only obligation is to my Master. I’ve been bought with a price, and I am obligated to serve the one who bought me and no one else. (though of course in serving Him I do serve them, but not out of guilt, sense of “responsibility”, obligation, etc. Freeing thoughts. Challenging thoughts. Scary thoughts. Way out of the mainstream kind of thoughts…

But I like them. And I think they are right.

 And with that, I guess I wasn’t so wordless after all.

Fruit Ripening

2 Replies

He is the Vine. I am the branch. A branch doesn’t do anything. It just sits there, attached to the vine, a conduit for nutrients and moisture, a support for the leaves and the fruit.

The fruit of the spiritual life is not the fruit of the branch but of the Vine, of the Spirit. Not of me. Considering our lemon tree and how the lemons grow is instructive. Water and nutrients come up the trunk along the branch and at certain points, cell by cell a stem begins to develop. At some point, known only to the stem, the cells begin to change and now it’s no longer a stem but a fruit. First no more than a swelling, then a small green nubbin, then larger and, ever so slowly, larger still. Gradually it takes on its distinctive lemon shape though it is still as green as the leaves around it and hard to spot when you just glance at the tree. As the months pass, it grows larger still, and during all that time if you were to pick it, it would be no good. It would be hard and dry and more bitter than sour, I think.

Finally, though, again with no visible sign or trigger, the ripening process occurs. The fruit goes from green to yellow and suddenly you have the lemon. Compared to the rest of it, the time of ripening is short. And after the fruit has ripened, it is only a month before it begins to fall from the tree and by then if the weather is right, the new blossoms have already come, starting the next batch of fruit.

That’s how it is with writing and I think that’s how it is with the spiritual life, as well. There is a long time of growth when the fruit is barely visible or isn’t ripe yet, isn’t useful. It just sits there on the tree, growing. The brnch just sits there, attached the trunk, delivering the nutrients, keeping the fruit off the ground. Most of all, fruit-bearing isn’t something the branch controls. Nor do we. Our job is to stay connected to the Vine and receiving the nutrients it provides (Filled with the Spirit and taking in doctrine). Those things plus the innate nature of the branch produces the fruit.