She Went Out Not Knowing

Today, to my surprise, since it did not seem at all likely at the beginning, I actually got back to work on Sky. Briefly. Not terribly productively but, I did. The first thing I did was to go in, stare at my stack of folders and then start a nonstop. Which I’m going to share here, thereby killing two birds with one stone [ just remember nonstops are stream of consciousness; I’ve edited only to clarify the gibberishy parts]:

Well, I’m in here, finally. Ready to work. Sort of. By that I mean, I’m here in the chair, I have nothing else to do except maybe eat, because I’m hungry and it’s past lunch time. I have done this over and over.  Sit down finally, stare at the stack, nothing in my head. I just sit there staring at it, wanting to do anything else. So try rebounding…  This is my gift. God will give me the ability to do what He wants me to do.  Fear and discouragement and frustration are emotions of disbelief in the fact that He has all under control.

That my Father, like me, actually intended that I should have been working all this time and whoa! Look at what happened! We’ve gotten nothing done. So then He’s going to condemn me, right? Tell me what a bad girl I am because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Okay, that’s nuts, He would never do that. But then I get angry. “Well, God if you intended all this other stuff to happen and me to be so undisciplined, then why…

Hmmm… is it an accident that I just read Jennifer McGuire’s (Hero Arts artist) blog about how she gets all her zillion cards done? When she goes over to mom’s for dinner she brings images to color while chatting. In the car she cuts out shapes while driving a long way to church. Um. I have to drive myself and I wouldn’t be able to see if I tried to color at my mother’s because it’s too dark. Plus we don’t go over there for dinner any more. I could do it while watching TV but I don’t like doing that. So.

Now my hand is falling asleep from trying. And I’ve not even been writing 10 minutes. So what’s up with that? Of course I knew that I had problems. The barriers and hindrances and obstacles to writing this book have been monumental. Overpowering. I’ve not been able to even do a proposal. So… um. I stopped, distracted by email.

Am I making bad choices, Lord? Should I be focusing on my calling, the writing? Should I have not done Christmas?

I’m not getting a strong Yes! That’s what you should have done. So I’m going to conclude that it’s not. That I did everything You … well, that I mostly did what You wanted me to do. I’m a woman under authority. And my husband does take precedence.

So. I haven’t missed on Bible class. I have kept up the blog and people are reading it and are apparently edified by it. So. Now it’s time for Sky. And I want to go eat my sandwich. Hmph.

I don’t know what to do. Don’t know how to get back into the book. Lord, I need guidance. I don’t even know how to start. Read through it all again? Go read entries from when I was starting former books? Oh. Yeah. I could read that section on starting a new book…

And at that point the nonstop was interrupted by a phone call about two minutes from the timer beeping. I did eventually go read the section on the new book and found it quite helpful. The biggest help was the verse at the end:

“By means of faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance;  and he went out not knowing where he was going.”  ~ Hebrews 11:8

Oh yeah! That’s right. He didn’t know where he was going. Just like me Cool!

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