Today has been the usual mish-mash of routine-interrupting events. As a result, I didn’t get around to my writing time until 1pm. And then kept being distracted by one thing after another. An idea for a thankyou card to make, the weather (they keep saying we’re supposed to get rain), the dog, email, cookies… Finally I sat down and made myself write a nonstop, though, as you will see even in that I couldn’t pay full attention.
In fact I wondered why I was even bothering, came very close to stopping but kept on and in the end, again, discovered why I was directed to write it. And not because it was going to show me what to do with Sky…
Looking at it now, the story seems to be about Varko and Tyrus, which is what I thought. Or Varko and Talmas. About Talmas thwarting him in his attempts to kill Ouranians, and about Varko’s constant struggle to find him, catch him, destroy him once and for all.
In a way it’s almost more about Varko than Talmas. But doesn’t have to be. Just is with what I have now.
But then there are the Ma’ael. The Erpaki.
And the Beni Hai.
I set those things down and don’t even know how to think about them. Don’t even know what questions to ask. How do these elements relate to the others?
I keep stopping to stare at the screen and chew my nail. I don’t know what to do. No thoughts. Don’t even know what to ask. Should I go consult my plot development article? This is no different from any other book. I have beginning elements, a general notion of where things are going… and the ending. Without much connection between them.
Maybe I don’t really want to do a nonstop right now. Maybe I don’t have to just keep typing. Because I want to stop and stare and my mind is empty. So if I keep typing I just type emptiness as I am doing now. This process all comes by the Holy Spirit. He reveals the story to me piece by piece. And that’s weird. I mean, why? Why not just download it all into my skull and let me type it out?
Because my volition is involved. Because when it’s hard, you have to stick. You have to trust. You keep trying to blame yourself, take control, freak out… when it’s an opportunity to trust and in trusting to bring glory to God. That’s the whole point, the main thing, maybe the only thing He wants us to do. Relax and trust Him. He’s already provided everything.
The story is there. Everything I need to write it I have or will have when I need it. It’s just a matter of spinning it out in whatever order He’s ordained, and the fact it’s not coming smoothly is a reflection of life but also… of the organic, living nature of the process. Of one’s relationship with God. My relationship. I’m in such a hurry. To grow and to write the books. But growing takes time. I cannot force my own growth. Why think I can force the writing? I know I can’t. It’s God’s work, not mine, and I have to remember where my place is. So I’m here. I’m available. I’m waiting on His timing.
I’m reminded, reading through it, of something Pastor Joe said in the week of teaching he did before the conference: why do we keep going back to the old ways? Because somewhere we really believe that if we keep trying eventually our plans and efforts will pan out. That’s what’s happening with this recurring impulse to “take control”. I keep falling into the idea that I can, if I just try hard enough, be determined enough, want it enough.
And I never can…