Things have been happening, lately; mostly inside. I don’t mean inside my house, but inside my thinking. Since I haven’t really been able to get a handle on it, I haven’t been writing about it. But last Sunday I read an article that really blew the doors off, so much so that, though I felt freed, I was not really sure how my newly acquired perspective fit into everything. Nor was I sure it was going to last. I’m still not sure, but things do seem to be falling into place.
For awhile now I’ve been wrestling with the sewer. The icky feeling. The self-condemnation for being slothful, undisciplined, impulsive, distractible. I’ve written about it here. I didn’t really know why I kept having this issue and finally asked God what was wrong with me.
I think He answered, but it’s been a process. He was already showing me even before I asked. Thus I’m going to go back to an entry I wrote in my journal last week .
29 March Monday 9:09am I’m in the sewer again. All anxious, condemning myself, confused, frustrated. I’ve put myself in a damned if you do/damned if you don’t situation. As I set this down, I see that I”ve had wildly unrealistic expectations for this day. I wanted to get up, make muffins, clean the house and work on Sky, all before I leave at 10:20 to take Mother to the Oncology Center for her treatment. In each of those scenarios, I imagined myself as relaxed, pursuing the objective without distraction or worry, as a believer in Christ should. But I was also, I realize now, imagining them all happening at the same time. Get up, do the morning routine while making the muffins and cleaning the bathroom, one giant integrated process whose separate steps were intermingled… or maybe it was just an alternate dimension thing where things were just happening simultaneously.
The reality is, there isn’t time to do all that. My morning routine ensures a limited amount of order and cleanliness, but it seems when I make that my priority, the writing doesn’t get done. Conversely, when I make the writing my priority the routine doesn’t get done, the house grows very dirty, laundry and ironing pile up and suddenly I have even more that is demanding I do it. Which is kind of where I am now. Today, just to catch up with the routine I have sheets to fold, clothes to iron, the floor to sweep, vacuuming, clean the bathroom, wash the muffin tin and hang out the towels (all of which have been put off and put off). I also need to go to the store, preferably before noon, since this is another task that was put off and now I don’t have food for lunch. After all that, I’ll be too tired to write and will just dink around again. If I write now, though, I’ll be too tired to do the housework when I get back — or at least too tired to make myself do what I won’t want to do. And the piles will just get bigger
So I have defined the problem. Both the house and the writing are important. How do I decide? If I go with emotion, I’ll pick writing and be upset about the house. If I go with “responsible thinking” I’ll pick the house and be upset about another day of no progress on the book. So what do I do, Lord?
Hmm. It’s arrogance that wants to control everything, isn’t it? Arrogance that wants my way even though that way is delusion. It’s me seeking MY kingdom instead of His.
And in my kingdom, one is required to do two things at the same time, be in two places at the same time and violate strictures of time and space. My kingdom involves the magic of traveling 100 miles in one hour while driving at a constant speed of 50 mph. In my kingdom you must do all required things, or disaster will befall you. What that disaster is, you aren’t allowed to know, only that it’s coming. Also, you must choose the correct thing to do if you insist you can only do one thing at a time. Choosing the wrong option leads off into that blank space at the end of the map where dragons will eat you.
So. In seeking God’s kingdom and His righteousness (which is sane and sensible, unlike mine), I have only to stay in fellowship and seek His guidance, choose whatever option I’m led to choose and forget the others for now. Which, weirdly enough suddenly seems to be housework. Okay then. I will now ignore the clamor erupting at the back of my head about my calling and how I should be ignoring all the accumulated domestic tasks so I can work on the book. I will go with my choice and trust that God can set me straight if I’m wrong.
Or at the very least pick up the mess. And definitely save me from those dragons at the end of the maps.
Tomorrow: the blog on how distractedness may not be such an awful thing for writing after all… And a spot on description of what trying to work on the book has felt like of late.
Oh Karen . . .
That is so wonderful beyond description of words in remembrance. The war, yes the war of doctrine verses cosmic thinking, the war of contentment verses confusion; the war between self purposefulness and Divine Fulfillment of the Election, The Predestination, and therefore, distribution of the “assets” that stagger the imagination (first chapter of Ephesians comprising “exceedingly abundantly beyond” . . .) that are awaiting to all of those so inclined; and for to be “to the Praise of His Grace and Glory”. And furthermore recollection, to be of the tremendous privilege of station to be “entered in as evidence” in “his Lowness the Devils” formal trial, conviction, righteous removal, and affirmation to the wisdom, purpose, and grace of our Father, our Lord — and as always not wanting to leave as third but supposing this is the proto-call — God the Holy Spirit; our instructor and re-caller to mind, silent and most powerful friend that brings into focus the doctrines pursuant to the situation; that says:
I have not given you the spirit of confusion, most emphatically not, but one of strength, confidence, and sound frame of mind in reliance on me, so that you may boldly say “The Lord is my confidence under pressure, my portion of soul and purpose, and my dictation in everything and all that I do, standing fast clutching the “Escutcheon of Grace”
The wonderful opportunities of “This I recall to mind, therefore, I have confidence . . . .”
See you . . .
And now that I thinking of it . . .
There is a court room “Beyond the Sky” that is every bit as real as the ones here on earth, with a presiding Judge; His Honor/Majesty God the Father; a prosecuting attorney; His Majesty The Lord Jesus Christ; a defense attorney; His Lowness Satan; court room officers in authority under the auspices of the Presiding Judge and Prosecuting Attorney; The four Cherubs — with Michael as authority Lion and Captain of the Laws of Divine Decrees set forth at the beginning, and the evidence of the Cosmos and all of its operations, conditions, relations, consequences and characters of both the actual and the probable. “And” (our favorite conjunction) last but certainly the most important of evidences is The Lords Victory on the Cross, His Church the Royal Family and their decisions, actions, both actual and probable for the purpose of demonstrating the Wisdom, Sovereignty, Justus, Righteousness, and Graceful intentions of all Three of the God Head to (Eph. 3: 9-10) The rulers and authorities in the heavenly.
Yes Karen, “Beyond the Sky” there is a court room full of accusations and slandering, writs of Habeas Corpus, motions sustained and denied, witness testimonies, cross examination and rebuttal, recesses and reconvening , closing arguments and verdicts, imprisonments and releases, convictions and pardons of tremendous moments of joy, and tremendous moments of sadness and regret.
Yes Karen, “Beyond the Sky” there is a court room, and perhaps had Mr. Grisham “an eye to see, and ears to hear” would have written his “Opus Magnum” for all to read. Yes Karen, there is a court room beyond the sky.
See you . . .