Tag Archives: Ailments

Live in His Rest

It’s been a challenging week, and the challenges look like they’re going to run through the weekend into Monday.

Last Monday my mother received her third treatment in the four-week cycle her doctor has devised for her. On Tuesday she received a shot to increase the white blood cells the treatment had depressed. That was all regular and expected. After that we thought we were to have a two-week rest from doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments, etc.

But on Wednesday she developed a severe back spasm in allergic reaction to the shot. I called the doctor who prescribed one Benadryl and two tablets of Vicodin every four hours. My mother, of course, didn’t want to take any of them, certainly not over a period of time, though she did. Not sure how clear her mind would be (recalling how unclear mine was when I’d taken Vicodin for my broken arm) I went over every 4 hours during the days to make sure she was doing okay and to see that the proper drugs were taken in the proper amounts at the proper times.

When it wasn’t better Friday I called again and spoke to the nurse who said the symptoms should abate over the weekend, since they rarely lasted longer than three or four days. She  added that I should have my mother take two Benadryl and two Vicodin every four hours over the weekend. Despite my telling my mother this — multiple times over the weekend — she kept thinking she was only to take one of each, so if left to herself, that was what she did. And then complained the meds weren’t doing any good. She also kept forgetting to eat when she took the Vicodin and so got an upset stomach.

Things were beginning to improve ever so slightly Saturday night. Then this morning she awoke with a “terrible sore throat”. So I checked the chemo-drug information which told me to contact the doctor as soon as possible. I called the Oncology center and talked to the on call physician who told me to go look for white spots in her throat and if there were he’d call in an anti-yeast medication for her. So I looked. Hmmm. There were whitish areas, but they weren’t spots. Didn’t even look like “patches.” Certainly not like cottage cheese or “lesions,” as the internet articles described.

Having no real idea what I was looking for, I didn’t call him back. He said if it wasn’t better in the morning, we were to call the center again and she’d have to come in. I wasn’t sure, but it seemed he implied that the sore throat might also be a side effect of the shot. On the other hand, thrush is apparently common in those with cancer and when one has dry mouth and she has had a very dry mouth ever since taking the Benadryl. So… I have no idea.

This morning was particularly difficult and afterward I had to remind myself that I am not responsible for this. I did not cause it, I do not have the ability to make it go away, I don’t have the training to know what’s going on, I’m not a nurse, so it’s absurd to expect myself to do all this correctly. To think I have a clue.

Then less than two hours later in Bible Class, Pastor once again spoke directly to me (though unknowingly, of course). The lesson was on living in the peace and rest that should be ours thanks to having been reconciled to God. Thanks to the fact that God’s got everything under control and has already done all the work.  He even spoke about medical things, just an offhand comment/illustration, but my goodness — exactly to my situation:

“One of the greatest problems we have is living in fear, worry and anxiety. Those things take away our rest. In fact, I found that I have felt the best these last few months when I decided to give up worrying about medical stuff: Did I eat the proper food? Take my medication? Am I doing the right thing? Should I even put this stuff in my body?”

That’s a quote from my notes which paraphrase to some degree, but boy was I excited. Exactly the things I’ve been dealing with in regard to my mother. Why is it so hard to remember… I don’t have to take control. I don’t have to solve the problem. It’s God’s problem.  He knows exactly what’s going on, what is causing what, what He wants to happen and all the rest. I’m just a stupid sheep. Why would I even think that I could know all that, and more, that God would demand such a thing of me in order to solve the problem? No. He demands that I let Him solve the problem and I just can’t quite let go and do that. It seems right, it’s almost compulsive this insistance I have on trying to fix things…. How stupid. How… crazy.

But that’s the flesh: sick, unsound, deceitful…

I only have to stay in fellowship and if I’m not at rest, I’m not in fellowship. More than that, rest connotes confidence, so if I’m not at rest I’m not confident. In fact I’m disobeying God’s word, which says the only thing I’m to fear is not being at rest. He’s commanded me to STOP WORRYING AND TRUST HIM.

And really, that is not hard. You just do

So. I may not be home for a good part of tomorrow. Then again, I might. But seeing as I’ve  already fallen out of the habit of get up at 7 and work til 9 on Sky, I think tomorrow I’ll shoot for doing at least an hour and a half of that before tackling the throat issue.

Living in the rest and peace that comes from understanding that you have been reconciled to God.
Romans 9-11 series: 2112-458
Taught on Jan 24, 2010

Disjointed and Out of the Blue

Well, it’s been over a week since I’ve posted. We’ve done Thanksgiving, the leftovers which haven’t yet been eaten have been packaged and frozen, I finished the last of the cranberry sauce with my sandwich today and now it’s on to Christmas.  I’m thinking of making Christmas cookies tomorrow. Unless I decide to write instead…

My mother is finally doing well. Though her rehab therapists were supposed to request additional sessions before she completed the 13 her insurance had already approved, they did not.  On her last day they said  they would submit the request that very day and told me to call the next week to find out if they had received authorization. But when I called, the request STILL hadn’t been submitted.  It went out that morning — last week. I got a call yesterday to say the sessions had finally been approved, but by now my mother has been doing her exercises on her own, lifting her leg fairly easily, is getting into and out of my car just fine, walking without a cane and generally able to go about her life again. Now the only reason she can’t drive her car is because we had to forgo the planned cataract surgery back in September and she can’t see.  In any case, the therapists missed their chance and we won’t be going back.

On Monday we saw the oncologist who said that her cancer, seeing as it migrated to her leg, has to be regarded as a chronic illness that must be managed for the rest of her life and that she will have to have another round of chemotherapy. Not a fun prospect. He said she doesn’t have to begin until January. So we have a bit of a reprieve.

The above are only two examples of the myriad details that have lately filled my life:  Thanksgiving, Christmas preps, trying to get new waterbed sheets… They are no longer available in Tucson so I had to try online — which has turned into an ordeal of uncertainty I probably should chronicle on one of those review-our-business sites. They charged my credit card before the sheets were even shipped and after three weeks informed me that they aren’t even being made any more and did I want to get a different kind? I said yes, but then they called to say that the new sheets had been backordered to early December so I have no idea when they’ll come. 

The local termites made a reappearance in our dining room, so we had to deal with that. Javelina are roaming the neighborhood eating peoples’ pumpkins and flowers… and my husband’s strawberry plants. Quigley is Quigley and I have been strangely wordless of late.

I did finish The Black Swan and it’s full of dog-eared pages. The concepts gleaned from it apply to so many things and I still want to write a few more posts about confirmation bias, how we change our memories each time we remember, the narrative fallacy that pervades our news and the pervasive delusion that we know much more than we think we do.

My mother suggested a new treatment to her oncologist that she’d heard about where massive amounts of Vitamin C are infused directly into the bloodstream and so boosts the immune system that it begins to fight the cancer. He said, “When you figure out what exactly the immune system is, let me know.”  I loved it. Things, particularly organic, living systems are so complicated and we’re always trying to make things fit into a box (Plato’s forms?), trying to simplify, homogenize, one size fits all. It’s easier that way. We can’t handle the complexity… but that’s a post for another day.

For now, disjointed and out of the blue as it is, I have a post for today. Disjointed and out of the blue is really quite characteristic of my life these days, though, so maybe it’s just appropriate.

Yet Another Update

It’s 10 o’clock Monday night, November 9 and I’ve not done a blog entry since the 2nd. Why? Well, I’ve been busy, yes. And I keep getting to the end of the day and finding myself too tired to try to pull the posts I want to do together. And since I also received a notification last week from Feedblitz (the system that sends my blog posts out to subscribers’ email inboxes) of someone unsubscribing because there were “too many updates”, I’ve not wanted to just post another updatey sort of post.

Like this one.

Of course, I don’t know that “updates” meant literal update posts on things in my life, or just too many posts. Which would be ironic given blog-writing advice which says you should do regular, frequent postings or you’ll lose your readers. They never say that you might lose readers precisely because you do that. In any case, I think, but am not sure that “too many updates” is probably better than “content no longer relevant,” which is another reason Feedblitz unsubscribers have given for unsubscribing…

 So, much as I’ve fought giving an update, it seems that’s all I have to give. So onward.

Last week my mother had her tooth extracted. That was on Wednesday and though the actual extraction went well, and the bleeding initially stopped, when we got home it was going again. So we spent all morning trying to get  it to stop, then went back to the doctor, and long story short, it took most of the day.

After that, though, things went well. She’s having no trouble and is getting around much better. Rehab exercises are going well, even though she had to skip last Thursday’s session. We go again tomorrow.

I on the other hand was completely exhausted. There’d been a string of days where I’d been going from one thing to the next with one and sometimes even two appointments per day. So Thursday I didn’t go anywhere and didn’t do much of anything either.  Mainly I worked on making a card for my husband’s birthday, which was Friday.

When I try to think back on all I’ve done, it doesn’t seem like anything momentous… continue with the rehab, go to the store, make a cake, walk the dog, clean the dog, clean the house, do laundry… but I do recall and awful lot of hindrances cropping up. Things that break, spill, get lost, get undone, get snarled… so that things end up taking longer then you planned.

Finally, I have yet to even look at the material for Sky and it’s starting to bug me. But I keep putting it back in the Lord’s hands, trusting He’ll make it clear — and doable — when He’s ready for me to get back to work on it.

 

A Few Small Brushstrokes

Yesterday I wrote a bit about my mother’s resistance to being rehabilitated, which perhaps had caused her therapists to see her in a light not entirely accurate. Because, for all her resistance and fears and stated distrust, in the end she’s done pretty much everything they’ve suggested she do, and even a lot of the things I’ve suggested she do. (She’s even gone into the pool twice now and has decided she likes that part best of any of it!)

Then today, God provided her that bit of validation of her effort and suffering I had hoped for yesterday, as we both suddenly realized that she can now pull her foot directly under her knee when she sits in a chair, something she had not previously been able to do. She also noted she’d had a much easier time getting into the car when we went to her radiation appointment than she’s had in a long while. So clearly there’s been progress, and progress she can feel.

Even better, the physical therapist responded to an email I’d  sent him Sunday night regarding her continuing inability to move her leg though she is trying hard. He said he’s thinking now that the radiation treatments she’s been getting might be causing her muscle weakness (that muscle is right next to the bone that’s being irradiated). He wanted to know what kind of radiation they’re treating her with and her radiation oncologist is going to contact him directly about it. So it looks like they’re dropping the “you’re not trying hard enough” line and moving on to other methods of treatment.(Thank you, Lord! Amazing how He can turn things around with just a few small strokes of His brush.)

Not to say the path is clear ahead of us, just that for today we both had a bit of a respite and things look much brighter than they did on Thursday night.

Another Update and Quigley

Last week I hit the ground running after returning from Northern California. Tuesday my mother had her PET scan — that’s Positron Emission Topography.  She got a radioactive tag molecule infused into her blood that accumulated in the tissues and emitted positrons that the device picked up and rendered into a picture of what’s going on in her body… no other cancer besides the tumor they already found which is very good news.

[Quigley is standing beside me as I type this, staring at me…

Quigley Nose2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[He’s been overly ignored lately, and isn’t taking to it too well — digging holes in the back yard, trying to start fights, stealing stuff out of the recycle bin… last week he stole the electric bill off the table while I was trying to listen to Bible class and started chewing it up. I found him before the bill was rendered totally unusable, but did have to tape it up a bit.]

Wednesday, the day after the PET scan, I went across town to pick up my new glasses; Thursday there was another doctor’s appointment (radiation oncologist) where we found out about the PET scan. Friday, first rehab appointment and then saw the orthopedic surgeon. That was also the day the car started acting up… lurching and bumping along, spewing smoke and a strong exhaust smell, acting like it might stall out at any moment. So we had to leave it off at the service center. Its fate will be revealed tomorrow…

I’m going over to my mother’s house twice a day now, morning and evening to help her with her rehab exercises and do the watering. More appointments are laid out for this coming week. Some days there are two of them. On Wed we’ll find out whether she’ll be starting radiation Thursday, which means appointments Thurs and Friday… This is busier than I thought it would be, but it’s all working out and she’s getting better. Moving better, though we learned at the rehab evaluation that she’s lost an amazing amount of strength in her legs, particularly the “involved leg” as they call it on the exercise sheet.

When I broke my arm I was astonished at how fast muscles atrophy. But I also know they come back and hers seem to be, ever so slowly, though not fast enough to suit her (she’s the woman who said she never feels bad longer than five days so was expecting a complete recovery from the surgery by day five). We also saw the x-rays of the titanium rod they put into her leg and it’s quite a bit bigger than I imagined. It really is like rebar, but without the rings. She won’t have to worry about breaking that bone, that’s for sure!

In the middle of all this, I have been acquiring things I want to blog about… finish up Lone Survivor, write about One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, which I just finished, and now The Black Swan, which I just started. I read 14 pages of it and ended up dog-earing nearly every one of them. Fascinating book about… well, randomness and knowledge. Here’s a quote:

“The first leg of the triplet (of opacity) is the pathology of thinking that the world in which we live is more understandable, more explainable and therefore more predictable than it actually is.”

But that’s for later. First I want to finish the others.

And then of course there is Sky, which I’ve worked on minimally. I read through material while waiting in the radiation oncologist’s office Thursday, but beyond that, not much. Or maybe God is preparing me in ways I have no idea about. I hope to slide a bit more in next week.

At least I’ve done THIS post now, so I will go have strawberries and ice cream, then go to bed…

More Positives Than Negatives

I’m completely wasted. Will probably go to bed right after I finish this.

Our dinner with the out of town guests was delightful. We didn’t know them very well to start with, but we know them much better now. It was a fun evening and we really enjoyed them and their two young sons. We both wished we had more time (They came from the same town, Wasilla, as Sarah Palin.)

My mother may be out of her hospital room and on to rehab tomorrow if they can find her a bed — either at the hospital where she’s staying or a separate rehab facility. Her caregivers say she’s “walking like a champion” — today she doubled the distance she walked over yesterday — we think she’s off pain medications, or at the least only on pills, and she’s having less and less trouble getting up to use the bathroom, though she still must do it with the help of her assigned medical technician. Today she pretty much ate the food I brought for her, which was much better than the hospital’s offerings.

If she does get to rehab tomorrow, the doctor said she’d probably be there a week.

Also, The Enclave received another very kind review by Kaci Hill over at Fiction Addict. You can read that here. Thanks, Kaci. And I want to note, more to myself than anyone, that now there have been two kind reviews to counterbalance the negative one I mentioned the other day. And a really nice email from a reader as well. Why is it we are so prone to focus on and magnify the negatives when often there really are more positives?

A Good Review

So do you think it’s just a “coincidence” that today I received a good review of The Enclave, to counterbalance that bad one I got yesterday? I don’t . And I”m very thankful for the timing and the review.

You can read it at Relz Reviews where I was supposed to turn in a character spotlight of my characters and have simply had no time, nor energy to do so.

Today ran pretty much along the same lines as yesterday. And tomorrow would have been easier except that suddenly we have unexpected visitors from Alaska who will be driving down from Phoenix just to join us for dinner!  I don’t think that timing’s an accident either…

My mom is doing well, though she thinks she should be recovered in 5 days and so thinks she’s not. But she was up several times and even walked down the hall. Alas, the food issues remain and since the cafeteria folks don’t seem to have a clue, I just brought in food for her today.

A Leak Under the Sink

Kitchen lemonsToday was yet another where I ran around from one thing to another. Laundry, reschedule appointments, car emissions test, grocery shopping, credit union, watering,  several hours at the hospital, etc. It was a relief to get home and sit down to rest… Until I discovered about 1/4 inch of standing water under the kitchen sink. It’s a corner sink so there is a lot of space under it, and a concrete floor on which I’ve stored various cleaners and other chemicals, cleaning tubs and buckets, etc. All that had to come out and is now on my kitchen counter. My husband fixed the leak when he came home from work not too long after. We put some newspaper under it, then went out for dinner.

When we returned, the paper was dry, so Stu sprayed the floor for bugs. Just now  I went to put the stuff back, but the floor is wet again. He thinks it’s the bug spray which for some reason did not dry near the open cabinet doors, but did at the back of the space. So the stuff is still on the counter. It may stay there til morning. When I once again must get up early and drive somewhere, this time across town for yet another doctor’s appointment.  This is one where if you’re late they’ll cancel the appointment and force you to reschedule.

Our lessons of late have been about thought testing. About how the spiritual life really occurs in the thinking. Will we think human viewpoint and earthly-thoughts, or will we think in line with the Word of God? Will we capture every wicked thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, or let them have run of the place? Will we deal with pressure situations with divine viewpoint, or fall back on the pseudo-solutions of human viewpoint and defense mechanisms like denial or anger or sublimation…?  My thoughts have been challenged repeatedly seemingly from all directions… the business with the waiting room yesterday, the fatigue, the dog being a pill (it’s pathetic when one surrenders control of one’s soul to a dog) (fortunately there’s rebound), the leak, even a ridiculous email from some guy who’s started a review blog of Christian fiction and wanted to know if I had “plans for 2010”. 

Wondering what that was about, I followed the enclosed link to his site and discovered he’d done reviews of Arena and The Enclave and thought both of them were lame. In fact, he began his review of The Enclave by saying that having read a few of my books he was not looking forward to reading it at all, especially when he read what it was about. He did anyway and his expectations were not disappointed… So my question is… why in the world was he writing to ask what I was doing next??? Given everything else that was going on (I found it right after the leak) I do not believe it was an accident. One of those attacks of the mosquito that can be more devastating to your spiritual state than an all out disaster.

Fortunately, tonight’s lesson also talked about how Jesus did not entrust Himself to men. He just gave His message and moved on, whether people received Him or rejected Him.   So I’m going to do that, too.

Finally, an update on my mother: thanks for all the prayers out there. She’s doing very well — was up twice today, using the walker and the bathroom, but she had a lot of pain when she moved her leg — particularly bending it at the knee to get her foot under her so she could stand up. Standing up was no picnic either. Still, she pushed through it. She also sat upright in a chair for several hours with no discomfort. And they are getting the food issues settled and the dispensing of the drug she brought from home has worked out fine as well.  So all in all, that part was good. Actually, it was all good. Cool to get the doctrine in class and then have events hit you where you can apply the stuff you’ve just learned. It makes God’s presence very real.

It Went Well

The surgery, that is. It took a couple of hours, but my mother came through it with flying colors, and is doing very well right now. God answered pretty much all my requests. A nurse friend ended up helping with the surgery, my mother got a private room with a TV so she could watch the final of America’s Got Talent and the procedure went smoothly with no complications. Her biggest challenges today, it seems, were  be the hospital meals (which are falling way short of her healthy, fresh, organic vegetarian food standards despite promises of accomodating her special diet needs… er…desires…) and the hospital pharmaceutical bureaucracy.

She only likes brand name drugs, and wants noting to do with generics. In the Friday interview we specified her desire/insistance on the brand name version of her drug. The nurse made a note, called the pharmacy, learned they did indeed carry it in the correct dosage and all seemed well. Then this morning, pre-op, another nurse called the pharmacy to ask about it and received the same assurance. Tonight, when it was time to dispense the drug, the generic version arrived and the pharmacy claimed they didn’t have the brand name version after all…. I’m not sure what’s up with that, unless they ran out. In any case, I had to bring her own pills over, the nurse had to take them to pharmacy to have them counted, labeled and verified and will keep her bottle in a special cabinet and dispense the drug to her from that.  Seems like an awful lot of rigamarole for a very simple procedure.

Similar things have happened with the food. The “vegetarian tray” for lunch was a giant plate of iceberg lettuce, a white-bread roll, a canned pear. The dietician appologized for there not having been avocado and egg on the lettuce… completely missing the fact that the main problem was the lettuce itself. All the vegetarians I know are concerned about eating healthy foods. And nearly all the people I know who are concerned about eating healthy foods consider iceberg lettuce to be anathema, a food completely devoid of nutrients. So why, I wonder, would the hospital think health conscious sorts of people who request special healthy diets, would find a plate of iceberg lettuce to be acceptable? And a white roll?

Well, I suspect they don’t have any other kind of lettuce or rolls. They’re trying to be accomodating, but most likely they simply don’t have the resources to carry out their good intentions. Oddly a small cafe on the first floor carries organic, healthy foods — with dark green leafy salads, flat bread, yogurt, organic oatmeal and the like.  So we got her a “regular” salad from there.

The funny thing about all this is that it’s amazing she was eating anything at all, when everyone expected her to be on broth and jello (though that is even more horrifying to her than iceberg lettuce). Right out of recovery, the nurse is trying to sell her on water, vegetable broth and jello (eeyugh!) and she’s saying , “I want to EAT!”  I’d much rather the dominant challenge of the day be this as opposed to some medical complication that might have had her in ICU struggling to survive.  So all the problems with the food show, I think, how well she’s actually doing. I would have expected her to be out of it, sleeping, groggy, struggling with the pain. And while they do have her on pain meds, she’s alert and fiesty as ever.  “I don’t think they’re going to like me very well by the time I leave,” she confided to me. “I keep telling them what I think about what they’re doing and it’s not positive.”

I just had to laugh. And told her to keep on telling them and maybe eventually they’ll get it right. But tomorrow I’m going to bring her some applesauce that doesn’t have high fructose corn syrup in it, and maybe some soy milk, depsite their rather vague assurances that they will provide it…

And now I am going to stumble off to bed. It’s been a LOOOONG day.

Tomorrow’s the Day

Well, tomorrow morning early we go to the hospital for my mother’s surgery. She’s doing well. Not excited about it, of course, but in pretty good spirits.

Friday we had to go in for “Pre-Admit Testing” which should have been a breeze but turned into a weird three and a half hour ordeal. At least in my mother’s eyes. All because they had added a new element to their Pre-admission registration policies, and one of the people in the chain sent us the old way rather than the new. Also, when the phlebotomist called for someone to bring a wheelchair to take her to radiology (pre-admit includes getting pre-surgery blood tests and x-rays)  the wheelchair folks dropped the ball and no one came until a second call was made. So we ended up waiting over half an hour.

Then the x-ray technician was training two subordinates and so the x-ray process took longer. When we finally ended up at the Pre-Admit nursing station to which we were supposed to have been sent right off, the nurse was busy with another patient. We’d been at the hospital for two and a half hours by then. We waited another twenty minutes, and finally the nurse was there to interview us. She had been looking for my mother for a couple of hours, repeatedly calling back to Outpatient registration to ask where she was, the other people claiming they’d sent her over, even though they hadn’t… She said they’d only been using this new system/order  for a couple of weeks and never had they had anyone with the problems we’d had.

 I wasn’t terribly surprised. Weird glitches like that seem to have been the order of the week. I think those small turnings were the handiwork of the kingdom of darkness, trying to get my mother to worry that no one there knew what they were doing (they succeeded). She’s worried. But I’m not. For one, I know that God has His hand on the whole thing. For another, I was quite pleased with a number of the people we met during our unfortunately lengthy stay and with their procedures. I think the interview process, in particular, was a good thing. We both have a much clearer idea what to expect tomorrow than we would have otherwise.

 And now, I’m ready for bed…